FUNNY THINGS PEOPLE SAY (2)

Genuine Letters sent to the DHSS

1. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.
2. Please find out if my husband is dead, as the man I am now living with won't eat or do anything until he is sure.
3. In answer to your letter. I have given birth to a little boy weighing ten pounds. Is this satisfactory?
4. You have changed my little girl into a little boy, will this make any difference?
5. I have no children as my husband is a bus driver and works all day and night.
6. I want money as quick as you can send it. I have been in bed with my doctor all week and he does not seem to be doing me any good.
7. I am sending you my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven and one died, which was baptized on a half sheet of paper by the Rev. Thomas.

Complaints to Housing Departments

1. The lavatory is blocked by the boys balls.
2. There is a smell coming from the man next door.
3. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
4. The man next door has a large erection in his back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.
5. My cooker has backfired and burnt my knob off.
6. Please send a man to look at my water. It smells, is a funny colour and is not fit to drink.
7. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against our fence.
8. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its getting too much.
9. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
10. Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife.
11. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
12. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Extracts from Court Cases

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.


Q: "What is your marital status?"
A: "Fair."


Q: "Are you sexually active?"
A: "No, I just lie there."


Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?


Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.


Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A; I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: "Then, later on...what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."


Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?


Q: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?


Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?


Q: Doctor,how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.


Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Notes to the Milkman

1. Please leave one sterilized and two cows as you will see I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
2. Money on table, wife in bed. Help yourself.
3. "Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."
4. "From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."
5. "No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."
6. "Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

Kids Views on Love & Marriage

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
--Lynnette, age 8

"It's never okay to kiss a boy, they always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it."
--Tammy, age 10

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
--Kenny, age 7

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."
--Anita, age 9

"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than once to find a live one."
--Angie, age 10

Q: How would You Make a Marriage Work?

A: "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
--Ricky, age 10

A: "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."
--Erin, age 8

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