FUNNY THINGS PEOPLE SAY

Actual answers to History and R.E. Tests

1. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon one of David's son's, had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
2. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
3. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a Queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "Hurrah!" Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
4. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake Circumcised the world with a 100ft clipper.
5. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote'. The next great writer was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
6. Beethovan wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.Beethovan expired in 1827 and later died for this.
7. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
8. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believed that the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
9. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
10. The 7th commandment is "thou shalt not admit adultery."
11. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
12. In some religions a man can have many wives, this is called polygamy. In our religion a man can have one wife, and this is called monotony.
13. The 19th century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Spices. Madman Curie discovered radio and Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
14. The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

Accident Reports

1. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
2. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.
3. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
4. A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face.
5. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
6. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment
7. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
8. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
9. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
10. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

Doctor Bloopers

Doctors have written some strange things on patients charts, here are my favourite:

1. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
10. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
11. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
20. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
21. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
22. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Replies from Patients on why they Needed an Ambulance

1. I can't breathe and haven't done so for years.
2. I hope you will send a man as my husband is quite useless.
3. My husband is dead and will not bring me.
4. I cannot walk up a hill unless it is down, and the hill to the hospital is up.
5. I can't walk to the bus stop and my wife is bent.
6. I want transport as bus drivers do funny things to me and make me feel queer.
7. I must have a man as I cannot go out or do up my suspenders.

Real CV's

1. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
2. Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
3. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
4. Special skills: Thyping
5. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheets progroms."
6. "References:none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
7. "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
8. "I am a rabid typist."

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