JOKES AND ANECDOTES

People are obsessed with beauty. They'll have sausage, egg and chips then think
"mmmm... I'd better go for a jog."
I don't. I'll have sausage,egg and chips and think
"mmmm... I'd better have a pudding!"

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason.....
You're sick of him

Women like the simple things in life.....
Men

I went to the doctors and he told me I'd never walk again.
I said "Why not?"
He said " 'cause you're a lazy git"

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
P - i - i - i - G

What's long, thin and sticky?
A stick.

We were poor.
But we were shoplifters.

The doctor said I was schizophrenic paranoic........
Well he didn't actually say it, but we knew what he was thinking.

Men are multitalented:
They can talk and piss you off at the same time.

I was looking through the obituary column in the newspaper and it said:
Mars bar, Milky Way, packet of M & M's......
Then I realised I was reading the 'a bit chewy column'

A Scotsman, an Irishman and a Chinese man are hired at a building site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and stack of cement sacks. And says to the Irishman, "You're in charge of shovelling" To the Scotsman, "You're in charge of mixing" To the Chinese man, "And you're in charge of supplies." The foreman then tells them "I have to go to the other side of the site, while I'm away make some concrete" The foreman returns a couple hours, the sand and cement are untouched. The foreman asks the Irishman "Why haven't you shoveled anything?" The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him." He says to the Scotsman, "Why didn't you do any mixing?" The Scotsman replies, "I couldn't get a mixer. You left the Chinese chap in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him." The foreman is really fed up and storms off towards the pile of sand and cement looking for the Chinese man. Just then, the Chinese man jumps out from behind the stack of cement and shouts "SUPPLIES!"

There was a man who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy dress party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the man standing there with no shirt, trousers or socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"OK: He's most likely suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he was 13?"

A man was seen walking through downtown with a desk strapped to his back, a keyboard under one arm, and a wastebasket under the other. He was stopped by a policeman, asked what he was doing, and arrested when he replied,
". . . Impersonating an office, sir!"

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want"
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."

Back to Fun Page